Thursday, November 24, 2011

That Time We Can Never Be Completely Prepared For

Well, I just got done making a cherry cobbler for Thanksgiving later today, for a few friends, my girlfriend and myself are all getting together for a nice dinner. I hope everything goes well; it seems that Thanksgiving is just not what it seems anymore. My Grandmother (a wonderful lady, I wish I could have known more) passed away on Thanksgiving back years ago when I was still young, and my Uncle who used to spend every Thanksgiving with us also passed away a few years back (I miss him a lot). Now both my parents are divorced and my dad moved away never to be heard from again, presumably. That leaves just me and my mom.

It is so hard right now, thinking about all the things that have happened in my life, and how I wish things were different. I plan on coming out to my Mom probably this Sunday. Luckily, I have a friend who is willing to come with me for emotional support. I just have no idea what my Mom is going to say. I stated in an earlier post that we have always been so close, and I know she loves me, but we have also been through so much that, I am so afraid of loosing her. I only hope that things will go well, and she accepts who I am.

I have spent some time trying to put together a bunch of information together for her about transitioning, even a book for her to read. I also know that she will have so many questions about why I want to transition. I need to remember that it is not that I "want" to transition, it is that I "need" to transition to make myself closer to who I am inside. Otherwise I will always feel out of place or different. I have also been thinking about all the different things that have led to me understand my problem and led me to want to transition. I am surprised I did not think of transitioning earlier; I did so much curious web surfing on the subject over the years, that I should have seen it, but I guess sometimes you just need that one person or thing to point it out to you.

I know this is Thanksgiving and I should try and enjoy myself today, and I will try, but I have never felt so nervous and scared about talking with my Mom. It is not like when you are younger and your afraid you will get caught with something you did, it is ten times worse. I know that it is better I tell her now before she finds out the hard way when she really starts seeing things, especially since I am getting farther and farther along with my hormones, but it still does not get rid of the fear. All I can say is, build a wall around yourself with friends you know that are supportive of your situation; let them help to take some of the pressure away. That way if things do go sour, you will always have someone you can go too. Pray, that it won't matter and your family will love you and be there for you. Again, the fear will always be there, but we must do things that frighten us, otherwise all we will do is cower and never move ahead in life or in becoming the person you know you are and becoming.

I hope this is helpful to others out there, good luck on your journey, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Happy Just to Know

Over the past week I have come out to a multitude of my friends and each one has been there for support and comfort. It truly is amazing just how much easier it is to transition when you have people you care about to be there when you need it. One thing that is making me the most happy right now is knowing how many actual friends I do have. I just want to say thank you to all of those friends who have been there with me throughout the years, and are still here now.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

What Friends Can Do for You

I decided to visit one of my friends yesterday that I have known for about 19 years. One of the things you can tell if someone is your friend or not is by their actions, and today when I talked to mine, he immediately knew something was up when I called him on the phone. Normally, we have a gaming night with some of our other friends as well, but we cancelled due to one of them being out of town. That did not stop us from hanging out for the night anyways. When I arrived we went to Toxic Hell (Taco Bell) to talk. I swear it took me about 30 minutes before I gathered up the nerve to tell him, but eventually I told him that I was transitioning. He took it very well with no problems and was very understanding of my situation. We finished eating and made our way back and I told his wife as well. Both of them, willing to listen and provide support, it was fantastic. I am so happy and lucky to have friends such as these.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Productivity Update!

I had my second electrolysis appointment yesterday, so my chin, neck and part of my cheek are swollen. I just hope it goes down more before I go to work again tomorrow. I am still happy I am getting it done though; the idea of never having to shave my face again is such a relief. Now, I know that I will just end up having to shave other areas, like my legs is still a normal routine, but no longer the face is a huge plus.

On a different note I went to the support group again also yesterday. I got to meet some new people, and even got along with some, that we went to the late night cafe afterwards. I think we talked for at least another couple of hours. I got some more tips about my hormone regimen, since I am still self medicating (I plan on getting a doctor as soon as my insurance gets in later this month). One thing that came up in our talks really hit the "I'm interested" button, was that two of the girls are in a roller derby nearby. I think that once I get a bit further along, I might just see about joining, it sounds like a lot of fun. Other than it being a productive day, it was actually rather mellow. Well, until my next update, have a good night!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

True Friends are Always Where You Need Them

Today was a very difficult, but stress relieving day. I decided to visit a good friend of many years, after we both had some free time to hang out. We talked for at least a few hours while watching a movie, and I decided it was time to come out and tell him that I was going through some changes in my life that were very important to me, but others might find difficult to understand. I told him that I was transgendered and was becoming a woman completely, instead of just in mind. He took the news really well, other than the fact he thought I was joking at first. I explained to him that I had been having the feelings of wanting to be a woman for years, even before I knew him, but it was not until recently that I realized that that is what I wanted and was missing. I asked him straight out if it would affect our friendship, and he stated, " No, we are friends and we have always helped each other out through tough times. You will always be my friend." I lost it right there; I could not help myself but to cry out of happiness and the release of tension and stress. We ended up talking for more hours after that, laughing and joking as we have always done in the past. He told me something later that made me feel special inside. He told me that when I am ready, and want to tell my Mom, that he would come along and provide support; I lost it again. I had a truly amazing night, just hanging out with a good friend.