I'm Official!

I have been really good at trying to take care of things during my transition; making sure I have all the information needed and the resources to do it. There is one issue that I was not being very smart on though, and that was me self medicating. I cannot stress enough that it is not a very good idea to do so, and can lead to many problems down the road. With that said, the good news! I found a doctor and had my first appointment on Friday. The people were great, offered to find me another doctor who could help me even better, but if the new doc is not under my insurance, they are willing to still help me. They ended up taking three vials of blood for various tests (I have not been to a doctor in over ten years, so this was a good time). I should find out the results on Tuesday. They even provided me with two new prescriptions for Oestradiol and Spironolactone, which saves me about $45.00 a month.

On another note, My Mom and I have not talked about my transitioning since that time a few days ago, but on the bright side, we are still talking like normal, still enjoying each others company. I know that she is still in denial right now, and I am just giving her some space and time to think about it, and I think she will come to me once she is ready. Since I have told her though, I have not been holding back. One: because, I don't have to hide anymore, and two: I just feel its time to move to the next stage. I am not going full time yet, until I can pass a bit better, but I am getting more comfortable going out more. My girlfriend and I went shopping the other day and picked up a new coat and some blouses.

A Rough Three Days

So, I finally got up enough nerve to talk to my Mom. I did have a friend with me for support, but still, one of the hardest things I have had to deal with my entire life. Nothing can prepare you for coming out to a family member, believe me I tried. I thought that if I had information for my Mom to look at (books, Blogs, other websites...) plus having a friend there to help with general feelings that it would somehow make it easier, it really doesn't help. Don't get me wrong though; having that stuff helps in the long run for general questions and understanding what it means to transition, but the initial "Mom, I am becoming a woman." there is just nothing you can do.

I was so afraid, it took me probably twenty minutes just to come out and say it, and it made it even harder because my Mom was getting sick just trying to wait for me from nerves. I was so scared that I would hurt her, and right after I told her, I broke down so hard. I love my Mom with all my heart, we have been together through thick and thin throughout the years. She showered me with that love again, she immediately, came over and gave me a hug; told me everything will be okay. I was so relieved. trembleing and crying; all I could do was hold her.

As the night went on, my friend and I tryed our best to explain things, so she could understand (this is where being prepared comes in handy). I think we got most of it across, but my friend and I ended up having to leave to go to work. That did not stop me though; I ended up calling her back three times before the end of the night. I was so happy just knowing that no matter what she loved me, period.

The next day, I decided I would crash at my Mom's place for two reasons. One: I just wanted too, because I did not need to hide anymore and was comfortable just being there. Second: I knew more questions would come up. Well, I was right; more questions did come up. They went well, but one thing I knew was going to happen, but you don't know when, or exactly how to deal with it, denial.

My Mom still showed and stated multiple times that she still cared and loved me with all her heart, but she also began to go into denial. Stating, that there must be something wrong for me to want to do this, or that I was being pushed into doing this. I am so tired of trying to explain myself, and I think that is what really wears you down after a while. The only thing wrong with me is that I am a woman, but I was born with the wrong parts. Nobody put me up to this; this is just who I am and all I want is for you to be happy for me that I finally found myself! I am still the same person inside!


The next day was rather uneventful, I ran a bunch of errands and eventually made my way to gaming. I called my Mom in-between road trips, but nothing was said about my situation. I think she wanted to, but either did not know how to ask or was afraid herself that it would lead to an argument. I do hope that she learns to accept me for who I am becoming on the outside, because again, I am still the same on the inside. I love her so much, and I hate to have things be bad between us.

That Time We Can Never Be Completely Prepared For

Well, I just got done making a cherry cobbler for Thanksgiving later today, for a few friends, my girlfriend and myself are all getting together for a nice dinner. I hope everything goes well; it seems that Thanksgiving is just not what it seems anymore. My Grandmother (a wonderful lady, I wish I could have known more) passed away on Thanksgiving back years ago when I was still young, and my Uncle who used to spend every Thanksgiving with us also passed away a few years back (I miss him a lot). Now both my parents are divorced and my dad moved away never to be heard from again, presumably. That leaves just me and my mom.

It is so hard right now, thinking about all the things that have happened in my life, and how I wish things were different. I plan on coming out to my Mom probably this Sunday. Luckily, I have a friend who is willing to come with me for emotional support. I just have no idea what my Mom is going to say. I stated in an earlier post that we have always been so close, and I know she loves me, but we have also been through so much that, I am so afraid of loosing her. I only hope that things will go well, and she accepts who I am.

I have spent some time trying to put together a bunch of information together for her about transitioning, even a book for her to read. I also know that she will have so many questions about why I want to transition. I need to remember that it is not that I "want" to transition, it is that I "need" to transition to make myself closer to who I am inside. Otherwise I will always feel out of place or different. I have also been thinking about all the different things that have led to me understand my problem and led me to want to transition. I am surprised I did not think of transitioning earlier; I did so much curious web surfing on the subject over the years, that I should have seen it, but I guess sometimes you just need that one person or thing to point it out to you.

I know this is Thanksgiving and I should try and enjoy myself today, and I will try, but I have never felt so nervous and scared about talking with my Mom. It is not like when you are younger and your afraid you will get caught with something you did, it is ten times worse. I know that it is better I tell her now before she finds out the hard way when she really starts seeing things, especially since I am getting farther and farther along with my hormones, but it still does not get rid of the fear. All I can say is, build a wall around yourself with friends you know that are supportive of your situation; let them help to take some of the pressure away. That way if things do go sour, you will always have someone you can go too. Pray, that it won't matter and your family will love you and be there for you. Again, the fear will always be there, but we must do things that frighten us, otherwise all we will do is cower and never move ahead in life or in becoming the person you know you are and becoming.

I hope this is helpful to others out there, good luck on your journey, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Just to Know

Over the past week I have come out to a multitude of my friends and each one has been there for support and comfort. It truly is amazing just how much easier it is to transition when you have people you care about to be there when you need it. One thing that is making me the most happy right now is knowing how many actual friends I do have. I just want to say thank you to all of those friends who have been there with me throughout the years, and are still here now.

What Friends Can Do for You

I decided to visit one of my friends yesterday that I have known for about 19 years. One of the things you can tell if someone is your friend or not is by their actions, and today when I talked to mine, he immediately knew something was up when I called him on the phone. Normally, we have a gaming night with some of our other friends as well, but we cancelled due to one of them being out of town. That did not stop us from hanging out for the night anyways. When I arrived we went to Toxic Hell (Taco Bell) to talk. I swear it took me about 30 minutes before I gathered up the nerve to tell him, but eventually I told him that I was transitioning. He took it very well with no problems and was very understanding of my situation. We finished eating and made our way back and I told his wife as well. Both of them, willing to listen and provide support, it was fantastic. I am so happy and lucky to have friends such as these.

Productivity Update!

I had my second electrolysis appointment yesterday, so my chin, neck and part of my cheek are swollen. I just hope it goes down more before I go to work again tomorrow. I am still happy I am getting it done though; the idea of never having to shave my face again is such a relief. Now, I know that I will just end up having to shave other areas, like my legs is still a normal routine, but no longer the face is a huge plus.

On a different note I went to the support group again also yesterday. I got to meet some new people, and even got along with some, that we went to the late night cafe afterwards. I think we talked for at least another couple of hours. I got some more tips about my hormone regimen, since I am still self medicating (I plan on getting a doctor as soon as my insurance gets in later this month). One thing that came up in our talks really hit the "I'm interested" button, was that two of the girls are in a roller derby nearby. I think that once I get a bit further along, I might just see about joining, it sounds like a lot of fun. Other than it being a productive day, it was actually rather mellow. Well, until my next update, have a good night!

True Friends are Always Where You Need Them

Today was a very difficult, but stress relieving day. I decided to visit a good friend of many years, after we both had some free time to hang out. We talked for at least a few hours while watching a movie, and I decided it was time to come out and tell him that I was going through some changes in my life that were very important to me, but others might find difficult to understand. I told him that I was transgendered and was becoming a woman completely, instead of just in mind. He took the news really well, other than the fact he thought I was joking at first. I explained to him that I had been having the feelings of wanting to be a woman for years, even before I knew him, but it was not until recently that I realized that that is what I wanted and was missing. I asked him straight out if it would affect our friendship, and he stated, " No, we are friends and we have always helped each other out through tough times. You will always be my friend." I lost it right there; I could not help myself but to cry out of happiness and the release of tension and stress. We ended up talking for more hours after that, laughing and joking as we have always done in the past. He told me something later that made me feel special inside. He told me that when I am ready, and want to tell my Mom, that he would come along and provide support; I lost it again. I had a truly amazing night, just hanging out with a good friend.