Well, Here we go.

Today I am going to be talking with one of my upper echelon bosses at work. The good news is I have known him for a few years now, since he and I came from another security company together. One of my friends who is going through things similar to my own has talked to him in the past and he had no problems. So, that is the good news; bad news is I have been sick all night last night and am dreading staying up late to talk to him; the bed is calling to me. : P

It needs to be done though; if I talk to him, I can begin to figure out what I need to do to make the switch over at work. I am reaching close to 8 months now and I think I want to make the final jump to Lyndsey by the time my 1 year mark hits. After that, I can focus on the more expensive parts of transition. Namely: surgery.  I have been thinking of getting an Orchiectomy to lower the amount of testosterone blockers I need. While my health is good (other than being sick right now), it will also cut down on some of my risks from medications.

Anyways, until next time,
Thanks to everyone who has been reading.

So, the Holidays are Finally Over

I am sorry I have not been posting very much recently, but tis the season to get nothing done. Thank you for finally being over. All and all, the past couple of weeks have been good; just steady progression. I did however have to stop going to my meetings over at the GIC for the time being, as I was coming home from a friends house and someone forced me on to the median screwing up my front driver's wheel. So, until that is fixed, I am stranded, mostly. I have been lucky enough to get to work and some friends places via Light rail and bus, but it is expensive! I have though been going to a cafe in downtown Denver with some friends for a thing they are calling "Drink and Draw". Just a place to hang out and have a coffee or hot chocolate while drawing. There have been so many people and I have been learning so much.
I should have a new set of measurements and pics up within the week, plus I am finally putting up some links to other sites. Yay!

I hope things are going well for everyone!

Well, That is Annoying

Today has been a day that I could just forget about completely. It started this morning at work when my boss decided to tell me that someone at my work was feeling uncomfortable with my transitioning. Now, the thing about that is, I told everyone individually, and away from prying eyes. Not one person said anything about having a problem and that it was my decision. So, after two months at work since telling everyone, what has changed? What has caused this to be an issue? Either way, my boss was not at his best with dealing with the situation. He proceeded to tell me that he would have done things differently on telling people, but he wanted to "allow" me to do it my own way and since I did then there is not much he can do. So, I am to grab the keys and change clothes in the break room as soon as I get to work from now on, no listening to pass-on's, no talking, nothing.

Later in the evening, I got up from getting plenty of sleep, but still feeling puny from getting no sleep the day before. I just seemed to let every little thing get me upset or aggravate me in some way. This might just be a side effect of the hormones, but it was still annoying. I hoping my day goes ten times better tomorrow. I a supposed to take my girlfriend to the botanical gardens. they are supposed to have everything lit up for the holidays. It snowed today, but with it warmer tomorrow the snow should melt. Wish me luck!

A Quiet, Fun Day

Today was very relaxing, went out and played card games with some of my friends. It had been a couple of months since I was last able to do that with them. I also figured it would be a good time to let them know about my changes. They took it well, and after answering a few questions, it was like nothing changed (just the way I want it), we just continued with what we always do, laughing, joking, having a good time. At the same time, I was having a good conversation with a friend in both Nebraska and in Ohio (both of which know of my situation and are awesome about the whole thing. I love all my friends, because they understand what I am going through and care for me and vise versa. I consider myself extremely lucky.

Ever since I told my Mom, I feel as if I don't have to hide anymore. I feel free to be who I am without prejudice, and I think it is showing more and more every day. I am going out more as who I am inside, and that makes me happy. I think everyone I know, has said this to me, "Is it going to make me happy?" and all I can say in return is, yes it is and thank you. Thank you for being there everyone!

I'm Official!

I have been really good at trying to take care of things during my transition; making sure I have all the information needed and the resources to do it. There is one issue that I was not being very smart on though, and that was me self medicating. I cannot stress enough that it is not a very good idea to do so, and can lead to many problems down the road. With that said, the good news! I found a doctor and had my first appointment on Friday. The people were great, offered to find me another doctor who could help me even better, but if the new doc is not under my insurance, they are willing to still help me. They ended up taking three vials of blood for various tests (I have not been to a doctor in over ten years, so this was a good time). I should find out the results on Tuesday. They even provided me with two new prescriptions for Oestradiol and Spironolactone, which saves me about $45.00 a month.

On another note, My Mom and I have not talked about my transitioning since that time a few days ago, but on the bright side, we are still talking like normal, still enjoying each others company. I know that she is still in denial right now, and I am just giving her some space and time to think about it, and I think she will come to me once she is ready. Since I have told her though, I have not been holding back. One: because, I don't have to hide anymore, and two: I just feel its time to move to the next stage. I am not going full time yet, until I can pass a bit better, but I am getting more comfortable going out more. My girlfriend and I went shopping the other day and picked up a new coat and some blouses.

A Rough Three Days

So, I finally got up enough nerve to talk to my Mom. I did have a friend with me for support, but still, one of the hardest things I have had to deal with my entire life. Nothing can prepare you for coming out to a family member, believe me I tried. I thought that if I had information for my Mom to look at (books, Blogs, other websites...) plus having a friend there to help with general feelings that it would somehow make it easier, it really doesn't help. Don't get me wrong though; having that stuff helps in the long run for general questions and understanding what it means to transition, but the initial "Mom, I am becoming a woman." there is just nothing you can do.

I was so afraid, it took me probably twenty minutes just to come out and say it, and it made it even harder because my Mom was getting sick just trying to wait for me from nerves. I was so scared that I would hurt her, and right after I told her, I broke down so hard. I love my Mom with all my heart, we have been together through thick and thin throughout the years. She showered me with that love again, she immediately, came over and gave me a hug; told me everything will be okay. I was so relieved. trembleing and crying; all I could do was hold her.

As the night went on, my friend and I tryed our best to explain things, so she could understand (this is where being prepared comes in handy). I think we got most of it across, but my friend and I ended up having to leave to go to work. That did not stop me though; I ended up calling her back three times before the end of the night. I was so happy just knowing that no matter what she loved me, period.

The next day, I decided I would crash at my Mom's place for two reasons. One: I just wanted too, because I did not need to hide anymore and was comfortable just being there. Second: I knew more questions would come up. Well, I was right; more questions did come up. They went well, but one thing I knew was going to happen, but you don't know when, or exactly how to deal with it, denial.

My Mom still showed and stated multiple times that she still cared and loved me with all her heart, but she also began to go into denial. Stating, that there must be something wrong for me to want to do this, or that I was being pushed into doing this. I am so tired of trying to explain myself, and I think that is what really wears you down after a while. The only thing wrong with me is that I am a woman, but I was born with the wrong parts. Nobody put me up to this; this is just who I am and all I want is for you to be happy for me that I finally found myself! I am still the same person inside!


The next day was rather uneventful, I ran a bunch of errands and eventually made my way to gaming. I called my Mom in-between road trips, but nothing was said about my situation. I think she wanted to, but either did not know how to ask or was afraid herself that it would lead to an argument. I do hope that she learns to accept me for who I am becoming on the outside, because again, I am still the same on the inside. I love her so much, and I hate to have things be bad between us.

That Time We Can Never Be Completely Prepared For

Well, I just got done making a cherry cobbler for Thanksgiving later today, for a few friends, my girlfriend and myself are all getting together for a nice dinner. I hope everything goes well; it seems that Thanksgiving is just not what it seems anymore. My Grandmother (a wonderful lady, I wish I could have known more) passed away on Thanksgiving back years ago when I was still young, and my Uncle who used to spend every Thanksgiving with us also passed away a few years back (I miss him a lot). Now both my parents are divorced and my dad moved away never to be heard from again, presumably. That leaves just me and my mom.

It is so hard right now, thinking about all the things that have happened in my life, and how I wish things were different. I plan on coming out to my Mom probably this Sunday. Luckily, I have a friend who is willing to come with me for emotional support. I just have no idea what my Mom is going to say. I stated in an earlier post that we have always been so close, and I know she loves me, but we have also been through so much that, I am so afraid of loosing her. I only hope that things will go well, and she accepts who I am.

I have spent some time trying to put together a bunch of information together for her about transitioning, even a book for her to read. I also know that she will have so many questions about why I want to transition. I need to remember that it is not that I "want" to transition, it is that I "need" to transition to make myself closer to who I am inside. Otherwise I will always feel out of place or different. I have also been thinking about all the different things that have led to me understand my problem and led me to want to transition. I am surprised I did not think of transitioning earlier; I did so much curious web surfing on the subject over the years, that I should have seen it, but I guess sometimes you just need that one person or thing to point it out to you.

I know this is Thanksgiving and I should try and enjoy myself today, and I will try, but I have never felt so nervous and scared about talking with my Mom. It is not like when you are younger and your afraid you will get caught with something you did, it is ten times worse. I know that it is better I tell her now before she finds out the hard way when she really starts seeing things, especially since I am getting farther and farther along with my hormones, but it still does not get rid of the fear. All I can say is, build a wall around yourself with friends you know that are supportive of your situation; let them help to take some of the pressure away. That way if things do go sour, you will always have someone you can go too. Pray, that it won't matter and your family will love you and be there for you. Again, the fear will always be there, but we must do things that frighten us, otherwise all we will do is cower and never move ahead in life or in becoming the person you know you are and becoming.

I hope this is helpful to others out there, good luck on your journey, and Happy Thanksgiving!